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This Changes Everything

I have days when I am happy to wake up several time at night  when the baby needs me. Actually happy.

I have days when I dance with my 5 year old and when he goes to sleep and calls me from his room for the 5th time to straighten his blanket just the way his likes it, I eagerly agree and give him a kiss and look into his beautiful eyes , instead of being annoyed and saying – You need to sleep, it’s late.

I have days when I am productive and inspired to do the most mundane tasks.

I have days when I am  fully present with my kids. And my husband. When I smile more.  When I am more creative. Give more hugs and kisses. Have more patience.

I have days when I feel excited. Passionate. Present. Alive.

Those are the days when I actively do My Thing. When I brainstorm with people and help them with clarity – either during my one-on-one sessions or for free. When I write. When I plan my next project.

When I dream and believe, really believe in my dream of making this little website a big movement with people all over the world who dare to do what scares them. What inspires them. What makes them feel alive.

Because they know.

They know that it changes everything.

Do what makes you feel alive not because of money. Not to quit your job. Not to fulfill your purpose. Or find that purpose. Not because it’s cool. Or because you want to live on your own terms.

All of that stuff is great. And hopefully it will come. It might take some time for it to come.

But if you drop your expectations and just do what makes you feel alive, you will be transformed. And every area of your life will be transformed.

You’ll love more. Laugh more. Appreciate more. Share more. Forgive more.

You will be at peace much more often than worried and stressed. You’ll be kind and patient and loving with your kids. You’ll want to be more romantic with your spouse. You’ll enjoy life more. You’ll be more productive . You’ll see more  opportunities around you. I bet you’ll be more motivated to exercise and eat healthy. Just because.

And that special vibe that will be coming from you? Oh, don’t underestimate the vibe! That vibe is magic. It will touch and transform everything on your path.

So give yourself and people around you this gift.

Do what makes you feel alive.

Because it changes everything.

 

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Using your relationships as a tool for growth and self discovery. And how I do it (when I remember to do it).

My husband had a small infection on one of his fingers from a cut and on Sunday he decided to go to the doctor for it. I thought he should have left his finger alone and let it heal on its own. It didn’t look that bad to me. But it hurt and bothered Keith alot.

So he went to the doctor, had the thing on his finger cleaned, got a tetanus shot (just in case) and was prescribed a 10 day course of antibiotics (just in case too). He started feeling nauseous after the antibiotics, called the doctor and the doctor prescribed him a different antibiotic.

None of that would have been a big deal. Happens to everyone right? I should have been a supportive wife and let him just rest for the rest of the day.

I did let him rest.

After I told him all I thought about the whole thing.  

You should have seen how annoyed I was.

I told him that he shouldn’t have gone. I told him that antibiotics and tetanus shot were totally unnecessary and the only thing that was necessary was the cleaning. I told him that I was surprised he agreed to that. I told him that that this country is so overmedicated and antibiotics need to be taken in rare cases. The finger infection was not one of those cases. I told him that his body clearly shows him that he shouldn’t be taking those antibiotics but he doesn’t listen. I told him that until we start questioning nothing will change. I think I also said something about critical thinking and doctors who want to sell us as much stuff as possible. I was funny ridiculous.

But, really, this blog post is not about what I said or thought.

This blog post is about how I felt. I felt seriously annoyed. And that bothered me.

So I went for a walk.

And I asked myself – why? It was obvious that there was something else. I couldn’t have possibly got that upset because my husband decided to take antibiotics despite my warnings. It is his body after all.

There was something else.

Something in me.

Our relationships are reflections of who we are. Especially our closest relationships.

This kind of situations happen to me all the time.

I learned that the best way to resolve the situation and to stop the swirling emotions is to ask the infamous question – why. You will most likely hear that there is something in you that you don’t like that this situation reminds you of.

It might sound very new-agey, but try it and see for yourself.

Once you find what it is in you that bothers you, you will stop being annoyed with the other person. You will become indifferent. All of those emotions swirling in your head? They will be gone.

I will show you how I did it at the end of this post.

Here is the process:

After you asked the question why, you can ask – What is it in me that I don’t like (annoyed with, bothered with, mad at, etc) that this situation reminded me of?

You will hear the answer but it won’t be The Answer.

Dig deeper. Ask again –  Is there something else in me? You will hear a new answer. Ask again. And again.

If you get stuck in the process, just play with the answers that you already got. Think about them. Feel them. Reflect on them. Think about the particular situations in your life that come to mind.

And then ask again – What is it in me? You will hear a new answer.

You might have to ask twice or 5 times before you get to the real answer.

How will you know that this is The Answer?

You’ll feel indifferent toward the situation that just bothered you so much. It won’t be a big deal anymore.

I read somewhere that you have to accept that part of yourself that you became aware of through this inquiry process. But in my experience, just awareness is enough. I am sure intentional acceptance won’t hurt of course. It never does.

Here is my example:

The first time I asked what it is in me question– I heard the word panicky. And I right away remembered several situations where I panicked unnecessarily.  The panicky side of me bothers me.

But panicky was not The Answer.

So I asked again – What is it in me that I don’t like? I got another answer – worrying too much. I reflected on that answer remembering various situations lately where I worried too much. But that was not The Answer.

And so I asked again. The answer I got next was  - not trusting. I felt that this was closer. So much closer. But still not It.

So I pondered on when I don’t trust myself. My instincts. My intuition. I thought about how I often don’t trust myself as a mother. How I often don’t trust my inspiration in my business. I thought of how I often don’t trust the value that I can provide. I thought of many other things in life when I don’t trust. When I second guess. When I back off. And do what “makes more sense”.

And after I reflected on those I got The Answer.

It came without me even repeating the question. When you get into the inquiry flow, answers start coming themselves.

The Answer was – Courage to Trust.

The lack of it to be exact. Of course.

Bingo!

You might think it is the same as not trusting. But no. It is different. It’s not about trust.

It’s about courage.

It’s when you want to trust. It’s when you know the importance of trust. It’s when you know that trust is your choice. It’s when you know that the thing that you feel is the right thing to do. But you don’t have the courage to go all out and do it.

Courage to Trust. That was my answer. And then I felt peace.

Your relationships are reflection of who you are. People in your life are in one way or another your mirrors.

Think about it. How cool is that? It is such an invaluable tool that you can use for growth.

When something upsets, annoys, bothers or makes you mad in another person – ask why. Ask what it is in you that you that really upsets, annoys, bothers or makes you mad.

Listen to the answers. Ask again.

You’ll know when you get The Answer.

Do what you wish with those answers. Reflect on them. Choose to change. Accept and love yourself anyway. Or do nothing.

Because awareness is often enough. What needs to change – changes often automatically with awareness.

And my husband’s poor finger? It’s almost healed. And he read up on some of the side effects of the new antibiotics that were prescribed to him and decided that it was not worth taking them.

I was at complete peace and agreement with whatever he would have decided to do. But, of course, I still said – I told you. Couldn’t resist.

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wanna pick my brain? special announcement and why I took down clarity sessions.

So I wrote yesterday that I am good at trying. And if you’ve been on this website before or worked with me before, you know that I used to offer clarity sessions. I took them down.

The reason?

I  felt something had to change. And even though I loved doing clarity sessions, I felt that I could do something better. Something that will open more doors. Something that will help me learn more about myself. Something more daring. Something bigger. I wanted to try something new.

Clarity sessions were all about figuring out your message. But now I know. Your message might change. And your old message might become a box you put yourself into. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a message. As long as you realize that it might change – go ahead have a message.

But I don’t want to do just the message figuring out thing anymore.

So I was asking myself some questions. I was reflecting and trying to understand what is it that I want to do now.

And I got some ideas. Some really cool ideas. And at first as usual I made a mistake (I made that mistake before many times). My initial ideas were all from the realm -  let me teach what I want to become myself.  Many of us make that mistake over and over again. We want to give others what we ourselves want to have or to become. But the problem is – we don’t have it yet. So we can’t teach it.

You can’t sell something if you yourself haven’t figured it out yet.  It is not your truth yet. You have to become that before you can start helping others to become that.

So the question is – who am I now? And how can I use it to help others?

That’s a hard question.

It’s hard to see who you are. Who you are is so routine for you. Almost boring. I

It might seem that no one needs what you know.

It’s hard to see your own value. We think that what we know is either obvious and everyone knows about it already or someone else can teach it better than us. But of course it is not true. Not everyone knows what you know. There are people out there who desperately want to know what you know.

So I asked myself : Who am I? How can I deliver value? 

I heard the answer. I am someone who knows how to try. I know how to start things. I know how to play with ideas. I know how to put those ideas into a bigger picture. I know how to figure out which idea will resonate with who you are now the most. I know how to ask questions. And listen for answers. And then put those answers into a daring project and inspire you to start taking action on it.

Because action is the answer. To everything. The more things you take action on the faster you’ll get where you want to go. But of course it would be nice to take action on things that  resonate with your core.

I want to help you start daring. Trying.

I don’t promise to help you find your thing. But I promise to show you where to start. And how to start.

What you try might become your thing right away. Or it might change. Or you might have to try something completely different. But the sooner you start trying, the better.

–

So that’s what I want to try doing. I am still not clear on the idea as you see. All I know is that I want you to dare more. Try more. Learn about yourself more. Because it gives you confidence. And remember – trying doesn’t mean you won’t put your heart into it. You will.

It might not be The Answer for me. But I am willing to play with it.

So here is what I have for you:

Do you need help with daring?

Trying a business? Or a new project? Maybe you have several ideas and not sure which one to start with. Or how to start. Or maybe you have no ideas and need help with that. Or maybe you want to figure out which ideas are in best resonance with who you are now. Or maybe you need someone to push you a little. Maybe you need someone to help you with initial steps.

We’ll brainstorm. We’ll come up with a plan of daring.

Free.

Why free?

Because helping you dare will help me gain clarity whether I want to do this or not. Because I am sure it will open the door to more ideas. Because it will clarify my vision. Because I want to try.

I am going to call it Intentional Daring Project.

Do you want to dare and start a new project, but not sure what and/or how? I would love to talk to you.

Again, I don’t promise to help you find your thing. I do promise to inspire you to take action and help you come up with ideas that you can start your intentional daring with. Because that’s how you find your thing.

We will talk about practical stuff too. Ask me anything that you think I might be able to help you with.

I realize that all of this might sound very  unclear. I am following my inspiration. I am not sure what will come out of it.

Logistics:

Write me at lana@daringclarity.com and tell me about yourself, your ideas, your goals and why you feel I might help you. Please include your website if available.

I will choose (based on whether I feel I can help or not) 10 people to do 1-1 sessions with. I will write you back if I chose you and we will schedule a Skype call.

The session will last about 1 hour.

Like I said, it is free.

That’s all I have. Write me if you feel inspired.

 

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Don’t listen to Yoda. Trying is a good thing.

As you know –  do or don’t do, there is no try. I am not into Star Wars, but for whatever reason this phrase just came to mind.

Unlike Yoda, I like trying. I try projects. Hobbies.  Relationships. Parenting practices. Styles.

Don’t be fooled by the word – try. I try but I still give it my whole heart. I don’t try anything halfheartedly.

I have hard time finishing those projects sometimes. And I make mistakes. And I give up sometimes. And here is where you might say that Yoda is right. And I might agree with you.

But you know what? Trying does one thing right each and every time. It always moves me forward.

It always takes my awareness to the new level. And this benefit alone outweighs all the drawbacks.

Last spring I wanted to try homeschooling my son. I told Keith: We’ll try. He said: Ok. And helped me to setup the playroom to make it more home school friendly.  I dived right in. I chose Montessori method. I got books in the library, bought a home study course online, crafted special Montessori materials. We tried for 3 months until we decided that homeschooling was not the right thing for us. Right now anyway.

But was it the only result?

No. I learned so much about myself during the process. I learned that I copy my mom. In many things I do as a parent. Totally unrelated but, oh, so useful information. I figured I had lots of unconscious patterns to clear. And each time I clear one, another one comes up. If not our homeschooling adventure I could have never learned to recognize those patterns.

I learned so much about my child and his style of learning and things he is naturally inclined to. I learned  patience. I learned that I am not good at it. I learned that I can learn to be good at it. I started realizing the depth of how school affects us and how badly our education system needs to change and what I want to see in the school my kids go to. I learned much more, but this is enough for now.

7 years ago I tried leaving Russia and immigrating to US.

I told everyone that I might come back in 3 months. I didn’t say proper good-byes. But I packed as if coming back wasn’t an option. I opened my heart. My whole heart to this new country. And I stayed.

I tried going back to school to get a degree in a completely different field. I tried jobs. I tried taking entrepreneurship class even though I couldn’t even spell the word entrepreneurship nor did I fully understand what it meant. I tried getting married. I tried getting divorced. I tried starting a business. I tried putting my coaching page up. I tried creating products. I tried to change what was not working. Just to find more things that were not working. I tried. And I keep trying every day. I want to keep trying.

Because trying brought me to where I am now.

Trying takes me to the new level of awareness. Trying opens up new horizons. Trying is the best way of self-discovery I know.

But you have to try with your whole heart. That’s the trick.

I know what you might say. Trying is trying. And I’ll tell you-you are right. But you know what? It’s better than doing nothing. Way better, my friend.

It’s better than being paralyzed by fear. It’s better than trying to figure out how to overcome that fear so you can do what you want to do without “trying”. Because you might never figure it out. Because while you are figuring it out, what you wanted to try might become irrelevant. And you lost the opportunity to learn more about yourself. And open new doors.

I am convinced. Trying is a good thing.

Trying is Daring.

I want to do more of it. Intentionally.

–

I have a special announcement. Tomorrow.

Until then, what are you going to try today?

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inspiration and procrastination – how to keep one and get rid of another

I’ve been procrastinating lately. Again. And finding excuses of why I can’t do certain things on this blog and for my business.

And I gotta tell you, some of my excuses are really good.  I have a baby who is still waking up several times a night and I have lots of days when I feel overwhelmed with the everyday real life things -  like laundry and cooking healthy meals 3 times a day and keeping kids entertained and keeping up with their activities and all the things I want to do with them.

And I am mostly overwhelmed with not being able to figure out my schedule because right now my schedule depends on baby naps and whether she’ll go to sleep on time in the evening and not wake up every hour or so at night.  All of those things won’t go away in the near future. So I have to learn to work with them instead of using them as excuses to not do what I want to do. And I know I can.

So I felt the lack of inspiration to write or do anything on this blog last week. And it was a kind of feeling I had before. Anxious/overwhelmed kind of feeling.

And then, of course, real life with its demands chimed in and not only didn’t I feel like writing but I also didn’t have a minute to do so. Real life likes to do that. You feel certain way – life brings you more things to feel that way. Works like a charm usually.

I had this pattern before.

Now that I think about it, my on and off cycle with my business and my writing was never truly caused by my personal life events. Even though I did have a roller coaster in the past 2 years with getting divorced, getting married, having a baby and those did take me off the course. But really, they were not the main reasons why I stopped writing and working on my business. They were rather excuses. There are lots of people who create in much more challenging circumstances than I had.

So what was the true reason of why I stopped writing and keeping up with my business?

I was not inspired. Simple as that.  And I was not desperate enough to keep going despite being uninspired. You know, you can create out of inspiration or out of desperation. I didn’t have either.

I could have used my will power, of course. I always thought my will power was good. I guess I was wrong.

So I started feeling the same pattern again. The feeling of “I have to do this and that and the other to take my blog and business off the ground.” And then the feeling – “I don’t feel like doing it. Let me find an excuse why I can’t.” And of course life throws me a very good excuse. The real life with all of its demands kind of excuse But, really, the problem is – I am not inspired and I have a huge resistance toward doing what I am not inspired to do. I start procrastinating.  I start questioning myself. I see it all, but I keep doing it.

So I stopped and asked myself – “Why? Why do I feel anxious and overwhelmed? Why do I feel not inspired?”

I heard the answer.

I love it how answers come, as soon as I ask the questions. Really. It is all the matter of asking the right question.  Deep inside you always know the answer. So simple. Why don’t we just do it all the time?

So what was the answer?

The box.

Interesting how that particular word came to mind. But I knew right away what it meant.

I was feeling overwhelmed because I felt that I needed to do certain things within the certain limits. Get active on social media. Start guest posting. Connect. Comment. Hustle. You know the drill. Every business needs to be promoted.

I put limits on myself.  I had an idea in my head of what I thought I should be doing on this website and what I thought I couldn’t do.  In a way the message that I thought I had was my box also. Because it limited me from going anywhere that didn’t fit that message. And even though the message was broad and I did go outside often, I still felt boxed in. Maybe I need to rethink the message. Or at least rethink my perception of what my message means.

Actually now that I think about it, the very fact of having a business is a box in a way. Because once you say you have a business, you have to define it. You have to describe what your business is all about. What you do. How you do it. Who you serve. How you serve. You have to find the right words. You have to put it in a cage of definitions and descriptions. You are not open anymore.

What is the solution you ask? To not have a business or a message? I am trying to figure it out as I go.

But we are talking about inspiration, remember?

As of right now I see two main things that drain my inspiration.

- The limits I put myself in when deciding what I can do in my business and what my business is all about.

- And all the hustle that I felt needs to be done on a daily basis to get it off the ground again. I don’t like the hustle. Even though Gary Vaynerchuk swears by it. I hate it. And I believe. I do believe it can be easier. It can be minimized. I just need to let go of the belief that I need to hustle and find ways to do less and accomplish more.

My spirit resists the box – the limits, the cage. It resists the hustle because it is also a box. A very unpleasant one. Of course, I can use will power. I’ve done it before. But I know where that will take me. I’ve been there before too. I’ll crash. I will find a good excuse and crash.

I need to get outside the box.

I need to rethink  how this website and what I thought I should be doing here is limiting me from who I am and from doing what I truly want to do.

I need to get outside the box with all the things I feel I should be doing. I need to minimize hustle. And ask new questions.

How can I accomplish my goals doing less?

And last but not least. My new workflow.

I should start every day anew.

Leo Babauta wrote it perfectly in his last post – start empty-handed and full-hearted. I should make it a point to focus majority of my time and attention on what truly inspires me.

Of course, there will be tasks that I dread and that suck my energy out, they are not going anywhere. What I can do about them is set limits. Clear limits. For example, 45 minutes a day I am going to do things that just need to get done. The hustle kinda things. The things that are on my to-do list.

After 45 minutes I can be done. I will allow myself to be done. If I am inspired to keep going, I will, if not, I won’t.

And don’t underestimate the power of focused 45 minutes. I know I can move mountains in 45 minutes, if I really focus.

The rest of the time I will focus on what I am inspired to work on. It might be writing. It might be a new project, even though it might look like now is not a good time to start it. If I am inspired, it means it is a good time. Even if tomorrow I’ll decide to set it aside and start something new.

I will start empty-handed. No to do lists allowed outside of the allotted 45 minutes. The only thing that is allowed is the question – What am I inspired to do now?

I will let you know how it will go.

In the meantime, I am taking off my coaching page. This website and me need to spend some time together to think how we can get rid of the box we put ourselves in.

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Last Week Favorite Moments

Last week I didn’t write as much as I promised myself to. I meditated on it yesterday and realized that I am making writing a chore again. I get stressed again. My inspiration’s wings get cut. And it can’t fly. I’ll write more about it tomorrow. Right now, our weekly update. Something that I want to make a weekly update anyway.

Some of my favorite moments from last week:

We had lots of magic going on. Leprechaun was coming to the house every night since last Monday. I know he is really supposed to come only once the night before St.Patrick’s Day, but ours was special, so he came every night for 6 day. Nicholas have been building a new trap every day. Some traps were really elaborate. Keith helped him. Here are some of them.

And no, we didn’t catch the leprechaun. But he was lots of fun. He left us little surprises and made us hunt for them around the house. He also played with Nicholas’ toys and made a mess in the playroom every night.We’ll miss him.I hope he’ll come again next year.

Little baby adores big brother. She wants to do everything he is doing. And laughs all the time when he plays with her.I love watching her excitement when he comes home from school. I love watching them play together.

Our little explorer. I love how she makes a loud giggle when she sees something exciting, and, really, right now everything is exciting – shoes, purses, boxes -  and goes straight to it. I get her from under the tables and chairs dozen times a day. She knows the word “no” in Russian really well. If mama says “Nyet”, she won’t touch it.I love how independent she seems to be now. And it makes my heart hurt a little – how quickly they grow.

We love bookstores. It still amazes me that my boy can read now.  We like going to the bookstore. Just the three of usWe found a ladybug field and loved it. There were literally dozens of them there. A lot of them were making babies. What can I say – spring.! Nicholas kept wanting to put the third one on top of the two and see if the third one will stay. Turns out ladybugs don’t like threesomes, so it didn’t work.

I love our movie nights on Fridays. That’s the only time we ever watch TV. And it makes it very special. That’s the only night when we eat pizza too and pile up on the floor to be closer to the baby. I love how baby is sitting and watching, eating some little piece of fruit I give her. It amazes me how grown up she is already.

We had a green breakfast on Saturday.

And then it took us awhile to figure out what to do. We wanted to do something special like go see the parade in downtown. But then it took us awhile to get out of the house and I got frustrated because I felt like we were wasting time and I wanted that day  to be special.  I noticed each time I try too hard to make it special, it doesn’t exactly work out that way. Then I stopped and realized that it was special.  No matter what we did. So Nicholas had an idea to just go to the lake. And we did. And we had a blast. We even had our first swim this year.Well, Nicholas did. We just chilled out and played in the sand.

And the best gift I got this week. Here is what my boy wrote one morning. He woke up and told me he wanted to write something on the computer. He knows how to type and how to print. He said that he thought of  writing this the night before when he was falling asleep. That’s what my boy thinks about before falling asleep. For me it’s huge.

In case you don’t understand it says: “Mommy I love you, whenever you scream at me I still love you really much.” And he gave me his pencils and erasers with it.

I almost cried. This little note means so much. It means he knows how bad I feel when I raise my voice at him. It means he knows that I still always love him. It means he really knows that I make mistakes too. It means he sees us as equal. Not as almighty parent and little child. But partners. It means he knows that I am not perfect and he wants to tell me that it’s ok. This little note means so much.

That’s all I have today.

Let’s make a new week full of memories and little moments that matter. Happy Monday!

 

 

 

 

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