Hi! I moved to a new place. I would love for you to visit me there.

Using your relationships as a tool for growth and self discovery. And how I do it (when I remember to do it).

My husband had a small infection on one of his fingers from a cut and on Sunday he decided to go to the doctor for it. I thought he should have left his finger alone and let it heal on its own. It didn’t look that bad to me. But it hurt and bothered Keith alot.

So he went to the doctor, had the thing on his finger cleaned, got a tetanus shot (just in case) and was prescribed a 10 day course of antibiotics (just in case too). He started feeling nauseous after the antibiotics, called the doctor and the doctor prescribed him a different antibiotic.

None of that would have been a big deal. Happens to everyone right? I should have been a supportive wife and let him just rest for the rest of the day.

I did let him rest.

After I told him all I thought about the whole thing.  

You should have seen how annoyed I was.

I told him that he shouldn’t have gone. I told him that antibiotics and tetanus shot were totally unnecessary and the only thing that was necessary was the cleaning. I told him that I was surprised he agreed to that. I told him that that this country is so overmedicated and antibiotics need to be taken in rare cases. The finger infection was not one of those cases. I told him that his body clearly shows him that he shouldn’t be taking those antibiotics but he doesn’t listen. I told him that until we start questioning nothing will change. I think I also said something about critical thinking and doctors who want to sell us as much stuff as possible. I was funny ridiculous.

But, really, this blog post is not about what I said or thought.

This blog post is about how I felt. I felt seriously annoyed. And that bothered me.

So I went for a walk.

And I asked myself – why? It was obvious that there was something else. I couldn’t have possibly got that upset because my husband decided to take antibiotics despite my warnings. It is his body after all.

There was something else.

Something in me.

Our relationships are reflections of who we are. Especially our closest relationships.

This kind of situations happen to me all the time.

I learned that the best way to resolve the situation and to stop the swirling emotions is to ask the infamous question – why. You will most likely hear that there is something in you that you don’t like that this situation reminds you of.

It might sound very new-agey, but try it and see for yourself.

Once you find what it is in you that bothers you, you will stop being annoyed with the other person. You will become indifferent. All of those emotions swirling in your head? They will be gone.

I will show you how I did it at the end of this post.

Here is the process:

After you asked the question why, you can ask – What is it in me that I don’t like (annoyed with, bothered with, mad at, etc) that this situation reminded me of?

You will hear the answer but it won’t be The Answer.

Dig deeper. Ask again –  Is there something else in me? You will hear a new answer. Ask again. And again.

If you get stuck in the process, just play with the answers that you already got. Think about them. Feel them. Reflect on them. Think about the particular situations in your life that come to mind.

And then ask again – What is it in me? You will hear a new answer.

You might have to ask twice or 5 times before you get to the real answer.

How will you know that this is The Answer?

You’ll feel indifferent toward the situation that just bothered you so much. It won’t be a big deal anymore.

I read somewhere that you have to accept that part of yourself that you became aware of through this inquiry process. But in my experience, just awareness is enough. I am sure intentional acceptance won’t hurt of course. It never does.

Here is my example:

The first time I asked what it is in me question– I heard the word panicky. And I right away remembered several situations where I panicked unnecessarily.  The panicky side of me bothers me.

But panicky was not The Answer.

So I asked again – What is it in me that I don’t like? I got another answer – worrying too much. I reflected on that answer remembering various situations lately where I worried too much. But that was not The Answer.

And so I asked again. The answer I got next was  – not trusting. I felt that this was closer. So much closer. But still not It.

So I pondered on when I don’t trust myself. My instincts. My intuition. I thought about how I often don’t trust myself as a mother. How I often don’t trust my inspiration in my business. I thought of how I often don’t trust the value that I can provide. I thought of many other things in life when I don’t trust. When I second guess. When I back off. And do what “makes more sense”.

And after I reflected on those I got The Answer.

It came without me even repeating the question. When you get into the inquiry flow, answers start coming themselves.

The Answer was – Courage to Trust.

The lack of it to be exact. Of course.

Bingo!

You might think it is the same as not trusting. But no. It is different. It’s not about trust.

It’s about courage.

It’s when you want to trust. It’s when you know the importance of trust. It’s when you know that trust is your choice. It’s when you know that the thing that you feel is the right thing to do. But you don’t have the courage to go all out and do it.

Courage to Trust. That was my answer. And then I felt peace.

Your relationships are reflection of who you are. People in your life are in one way or another your mirrors.

Think about it. How cool is that? It is such an invaluable tool that you can use for growth.

When something upsets, annoys, bothers or makes you mad in another person – ask why. Ask what it is in you that you that really upsets, annoys, bothers or makes you mad.

Listen to the answers. Ask again.

You’ll know when you get The Answer.

Do what you wish with those answers. Reflect on them. Choose to change. Accept and love yourself anyway. Or do nothing.

Because awareness is often enough. What needs to change – changes often automatically with awareness.

And my husband’s poor finger? It’s almost healed. And he read up on some of the side effects of the new antibiotics that were prescribed to him and decided that it was not worth taking them.

I was at complete peace and agreement with whatever he would have decided to do. But, of course, I still said – I told you. Couldn’t resist.

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