Hi, it is me…
How do I know it is the real me talking now? Or feeling what I feel now? Or wanting what I want now? Setting the goals. Thinking. Strategizing. Laughing. Crying. Loving.
Is it the true me? Or is it the illusion of me and I don’t really know who the true me is?
And is there such a thing as the true me?
Who is here when the true me is not here then? Who is the one talking right now? The fake me?
So there are two me – the true one and the fake one?
And that fake one really wants to find the true one apparently. She asks questions. She mediates. She reads books. And visits the websites of people who claim to have found their true me.
She keeps asking: – “Who am I?”
She finds some clues. She tries them on. And at first it looks like that what she has found fits. It looks like she is close to the answer. “Oh, finally I will meet the true me.” – she thinks.
And when I do, my life will change. Everything will change. I will live authentically. And with passion. I will show up in this world with power and vigor. And I will be bold to dream bold dream and boldly pursue them. Oh, I will move mountains! Because I will be the true me. Finally!
Thinks the little fake she.
But then the things she tried on – the ones that seemed to fit so well at first, the ones that seemed to be pointing in the right direction – they don’t feel that good anymore. “Was I wrong?” – she thinks.
Did I take the wrong turn? It seems now that what I thought was true is not true at all. Did the true me change? No. It can’t be. The true me is the true me. She wouldn’t change.
So it means I was wrong to begin with. And now I have to start over.
Little fake she gets a little discouraged. But still determined to find the true she.
But maybe…just maybe…
The problem is not that you don’t know who you are. Maybe the problem is that you are trying to define.
You are trying to find the right words. To describe who you are.
You want it to be something like this:
“This is the style of the true me. And this is what the true me truly likes. And this is what the true me is truly passionate about. And this is what the true me would never ever do. And this is what the true me likes to read for pleasure. And this is what the true me true talents are.”
Words. Concepts. Cages.
What if there were no words?
What if you didn’t have to describe anything? What if there was no cage to put around the true you and no way to describe who the true you really are?
And what if you will never. Ever find the true you.
You will never find the right words. The right cage.
No borders. No limits. Nothing.
Maybe the true you can be anything.
Maybe the true you is the fake you who finally allowed herself to just be.
The one who let go of words. And definitions. And her ideas of what the true she would or wouldn’t do. And decided to listen to her feelings more often. And follow the inspiration. Wherever that inspiration takes her.
Maybe the true you is the fake you who stopped looking. Who embraced her own fakeness and knows that this fakeness is not really fakeness. But a costume that the true you decided to wear now. The costume doesn’t make you happy. But it doesn’t mean you are a fake either.
It is you.
And the next costume you try on will be you too.
Keep trying them on until you find the one that makes you feel good. Forget words. Listen to your feeling more often. Ask – “What do I want to do right now” more often. Forget the shoulds and musts. Those come from the cage you put yourself in. Get out of that cage.
I promise I wasn’t drinking.
I meditated. Then I spent some time reading brutally honest Penelope Trunk’s blog that I discovered yesterday (I mean, really, who writes about her husband beating her and posts pictures like this on one of the leading blogs about career. Talk about being real.) Going back to what I was doing. I tried to imagine for 2 hours what the true me would want to write for this blog (While at it I read some more random stuff online that I regret wasting time on. The true me wouldn’t do it, you know) and then said – Screw it – and wrote what you see here in 15 minutes.
Have a good day, you all! My fake me is ready to do something that she wants right now. Take a nap while her baby is sleeping. And even though the voice in my head is telling me that the true me would want to be productive and would start tackling some of my monthly goals, I’ll go with the nap. Without feeling guilty about it this time. Because I think she – that fake me – might be up to something. In fact, she might be the one I should listen to more often from now on. And ask her to listen to her true fake feelings better and just do what she truly feels like doing.
P.S. The baby just woke up while I was finishing this. Oh, well!