Hi! I moved to a new place. I would love for you to visit me there.

My Biggest Pain, My Biggest Fear, My Biggest Love – My Baby Nicholas – It’s All About You.

This is a totally inappropriate post for the week of prelaunching my product. Don’t I need to do some convincing of why you need clarity and why you need to buy my stuff to help you with that? Oh, screw it, I go with the inspiration as always.  You do need clarity though, so check out the preorder page.

On December 22 of 2006 my life turned around. My baby was born.

I don’t write on this blog about my son often. This is something I decided to keep private, and I never could really relate motherhood to clarity.

But today is different. Today I can relate it. Plus my soul wants to write about my baby, so I will. I know a lot of you will resonate. Those who won’t (if you don’t have kids), it will give you a glimpse of what you are getting into if you ever decide to have one…or two…or more.

Nicholas. We didn’t have a name chosen when we went to the hospital. We had a list of 5 names to choose from. Kyle. Ryan. Alexander. Daniel. Nicholas was the last choice.

My mom liked it. I never really did that much. He came and it was clear. His name is Nicholas. Victorious. This name is a most pleasant sound to my ear now.

He was born at 4.46 am. I am not into astrology and horoscopes much, but I do believe in it somewhat. The labor started on December 20th.  That’s Sagittarius. My sign. Fire. Aiming at the stars. High flights. Passion.

I was sure he would be Sagittarius too and was kind of excited about that. The labor was 28 hours. He was 4 hours 46 minutes late to be Sagittarius and entered Capricorn on December 22.

Am I happy he did that! He has all what I have – fire, passion, but it is different. His fire makes you hot, lights you up but doesn’t burn you.

He is the only person in my life who can keep my fire burning steady without flaming everything around. He is Earth. He grounds and balances me. When I get too high he is the only one who can bring me down in an instant. He says: “Mama, breathe. Deeply.”

And it’s not what he says, which is pretty amazing in itself for a 3 y.o.,  but How he says it. There is calm confidence in his voice. Calm knowing – that is what the best to be done is. And I listen. I am back to Earth. Still lit and high but grounded.

Pain.

I remember the anticipation of joy and happiness I had when waiting for him to be born. There was no joy or happiness. Pain. No, not physical pain. Physical pain of labor is forgotten 2 minutes after the birth (funny how our minds and bodies work).

But pain in your heart. Checking every 15 minutes – is he breathing? Why is he crying? I don’t understand and even when I do I often can’t help. That hurts.

Responsibility. Choices. Who knew there were so many choices you have to make!

Vaccinations? Should you? Shouldn’t you? The risks are “unknown”, but if you read the internet you’ll know. Enough to be afraid. The benefits are…well, you know the benefits. Pretty unknown too if you read the internet again.

And you choose. And then you choose again. And again. And then you doubt and second guess. And explain to everyone around why you made this particular choice. (We do vaccinate but on a special schedule.)

C word. Hate it. I apparently live in the only country in the world that performs one of the most unnecessary and painful procedures to boys without any medical or religious reasons for that. Circumcision.

My baby was just born, going through the most difficult and painful experience of his life – labor. You want to do what to him now? You want to put another pain into his subconscious?

I couldn’t let them do it.  But what about society? What about the fact that up to 80% of boys where we live still go through this procedure and those boys are going to be his classmates.  I still wake up at night thinking if that was the right decision. And pray to God, if I ever have more kids –  girl, please.

And then it comes down to the most important “entity” that has the biggest impact on your baby and that you have total control of but at times seems like you have no control of at all – You. How do you make sure that you are the best you can be? You can’t. You’ll never be perfect. But you learn to roll with it.

Guilt.  I could have done that and I could have done this better.

Fear.

And fear. Constant fear. You can diminish it. You can learn to become more trusting and hope that the Universe/God/World will take care of your baby when you are not there to take care of him. But you’ll never trust 100%. That fear will always stay. Somewhere deep inside. But it is there. It won’t let you go.

And you’ll never look at any accident or child abduction on the news the same again. You might look calm on the outside, but inside your heart will be screaming in pain.

Love.

Love. Not much to say here. Love is Love. He is Love. He is the proof that miracles exist.

I won’t tell you that it was all worth it. That sounds too cheesy. It goes without saying.

Back to clarity now.

How did my son help me with clarity?

I wrote before many times that the question “why” is the most important question of all. “What” is important only if it is backed up by strong “why“.

Nicholas is my reason “why” to so many things.

He is the core reason I decided to divorce his dad. Yes, there were many other reasons. But at the core of it was desire for Nicholas to see an example of relationships where there is deep connection and love between two people so he doesn’t ever settle for anything less than that. I hope I’ll be able to show him that example.

And he is the core reason I didn’t give up on my business when things were not progressing and I felt like saying: “Screw it, I’ll go get a job”.  Behind my desire for freedom and meaning there is desire to be able to look my son in the eyes when he grows up and say: “You can do it, you truly can create your life the way you choose to”

I can give up on my own freedom and meaning. I’ll never give up on his. And the only way for me to give it to him is to get it myself first.

Thank you for coming into my life, my baby. I love you.

posted in: clarity
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Farnoosh April 30, 2010 at 9:03 am

Lana, no babies and no plans in my life but I loved reading this. I love your writing style and I appreciate that you did not go on and on about, quite naturally, the sweet love of your life, but stayed extremely clear about what you wanted to say and related to me who has not had this experience. Beautiful write-up. It flows well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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Lana April 30, 2010 at 2:50 pm

wow, Farnoosh, I am so glad you could relate even though you don’t have kids and don’t plan on having. Thank you for stopping by!

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Topi April 30, 2010 at 10:16 am

Hi Lana,
I’ve got three! Parenting is the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life. I’m never sure if I’m getting it right, if I’ve made the right choices, if I’m on the right track. All I know is that everything I want them to have (health, happiness, strength, honesty, integrity, compassion, joy, self-belief, I could go on and on…) I have to have myself first. They are my life’s meaning!
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..Learn to dance in the rain =-.

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Lana April 30, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Three Topi!? How do you do that? And find time to blog?:) And so true, we can’t give it them if we don’t have it ourselves.

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Julia April 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Hello Lana,
Thank you for sharing the story about the light in your life, your sun. Children – are the flowers of our life, so pure, innocent, open and unpredictable. I am admiring your strength and wisdom. Wishing you and your sun all the blessings in the world.

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Lana April 30, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Thank you so much Julia!

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Nichole April 30, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Beautiful. Amazing how little ones can motivate and inspire you to keep going.

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Lana April 30, 2010 at 2:52 pm

it is amazing Nichole. I know you have son, so I know you could relate!

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Therese Miu April 30, 2010 at 5:23 pm

I got teary-eyed as I read your posts. I am the exact opposite I blog about my son OFTEN. I can relate to you so much since Jeroen Sharma Miu was born 4/24/2006 -His the year of the dog, Taurus. We were very convinced of his name’s meaning which is Jeroen (protection) Sharma (Holy Man) –he also has a chinese name which means air. I know I know too much significance. But Asian culture is like that we are highly detailed including to the nitty gritty details of a person’s birth. What a lovely tribute to Nicholas. I know he is ever so blessed to have such a powerful inspiring and focused mom to guide him in his life.

I honor and bless both of you!

Thank You for sharing your son with all of us 😉
.-= Therese Miu´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Jeroen!!!!! =-.

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:01 am

Thank youf or yoru wonderful comment Therese as always and for sharing about your baby:)

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Joy April 30, 2010 at 7:05 pm

Lana,
May I suggest you chose to share this about yoru son with us today because you are ready to birth yet another “baby” this week…both results of listening to your heart and letting it lead in your life.
All that you learn from mothering Nicholas, from sharing precious moments, from opening your heart, is exactly what is guiding you in these moments…Your heart is open and full of love, passion, joy, peace..overflowing, and those are the emotions that shine through the words you’ve chosen to share with us today. You are in love–with your son, yes, but with life, with Energy, with the World…radiantly excited and hopeful…so good to see:)
Lots of Light-

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:02 am

Joy, you are so insightful! and so rigtht, I am totally in love with everythinga nd everyone around me. Thank you for your wonderful comments, I appreciate you!

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Anastasiya April 30, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Our kids definitely help us find the right path in life. It’s amazing how much your whole world changes when you become a parent. And you are absolutely right that our children are the strongest “why” reason to do anything in our lives.
I am sure that Nicholas will greatly appreciate all the effort that you made to be the best mom for him and I am also sure that he will be proud of your choices (well< at least I can hope so:-))
.-= Anastasiya´s last blog ..How to Build a Marriage (Relationship) that Will Help You Grow in Life =-.

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:03 am

Anastasiya, yes, I hope so too:)

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Tess The Bold Life April 30, 2010 at 8:48 pm

Lana,
You are both blessed to have each other. The photo is absolutely adorable. I can say that parenting is the most dificult and the most rewarding job in the world. I can’t imagine my life without motherhood. And you know the grandparent thing is all what they say it is and more.

When I was a young mom I used to see bumper stickers that said, “let me tell you about my grandchild.” I used to think…P-l-e-a-s-e! and now I want to know where I can get one of those bumper stickers. Because nothing prepares you for the joy and bliss!
Can’t wait to see your product next week. I’m sure it will be a must have;) I’ll be holding a vision of big success for you!

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:07 am

the sticker story is so funny Tess:) Thank you for holding a vision for me!

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JB King April 30, 2010 at 10:25 pm

I was born at a similar time, 4:55 am, but I was born in late May making me a Gemini with an Air sign. I’m of two minds on almost everything so it does seem rather fitting. My name is exactly the same as my father, John Brock King. In terms of numerology, my birthdate comes out with a 7, as I have a lot of 5s to my birthdate of the fifth month on the fifth squared day in the year that is three times that day. I was such a Mama’s boy and even now still miss my mom who passed away back in 2002, so it has been a few years. On the topic of circumsion, I think I’ll just leave that alone unless someone really wants to know.
.-= JB King´s last blog ..Time to get real with my fears =-.

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:10 am

two minds – I kind of see you like this too JB, in a good way. I am not into numerology much, but heard good things about it. Sorry about your mom passing away.

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Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey May 1, 2010 at 2:52 am

Hi Lana,
I’m not a parent yet either but you most certainly have painted a picture that I never knew a mother experienced. Thanks for opening up and sharing, and allowing us to take a look into your experience of bringing your Son into the world!
.-= Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey´s last blog ..Relinquish Stagnation and Step Into A New Dimension =-.

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Lana May 1, 2010 at 5:11 am

Thank you Jarrod, I am glad you could still realte even though you are not a parent.

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Hilary May 1, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Hi Lana .. you said it all there .. and Capricorn is a good sign .. = me too!

Good for you to have faith in yourself, your decisions and now your future .. wishing you both all the very best – Nicholas has the best Mum and friend in the world .. with a depth of love and caring .. wonderful .. enjoy .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 2/3: John’s Story…. =-.

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:42 am

Thanks you Hilary, Capricorns is definitely a very good sign:)

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J.D. Meier May 3, 2010 at 1:55 am

> keep my fire burning steady without flaming everything around
Those are powerful words. Life’s better with people who light our fire, or fan our flames.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Steve Pavlina =-.

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:42 am

I happen to agree with you on that J.D., as usual I would say:)

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Ivy May 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Lana,

Thank you for sharing this post with us. I am a single mom of one boy also, so it all resonated with me. Children motivate us to be the best persons we could be, to go beyond who we think we could be. The best job in the world is also the scariest, being a mom. Thanks for sharing your love for your son with us.

Ivy

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:43 am

It is the scariest and the best job at the same time Ivy. Thank you for commenting and all the best to you and your baby!

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rob white May 4, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Hi Lana,
What a beautiful honest sharing. I am not a parent myself, when I was younger I put all my time and energy into my business. I certainly became very successful and experienced the great freedom of travel, fancy homes etc. I do harbor regret that I never had children. My wife and I care for our pets Sophie (a Yorkie) and Shakespeare (my parrot of 25 years) as if they were our children which tells me there is a deep drive within us all to experience the Love, Fear & Responsibility that comes with being a parent. This is why I take such great delight and joy in mentoring and teaching my own life experience with others.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
rob
.-= rob white´s last blog ..Your ‘Recovery Act Program’ =-.

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:45 am

I guess we do have that drive Rob. And I think ultimately it is all about love. Fear and responsibility are just by products.

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Karen May 5, 2010 at 3:05 pm

What a touching story! You have a very beautiful son and both of you are very lucky to have each other.

I don’t have any children but can appreciate how you say that you now have a purpose and a reason “why”. With that, you can do anything and be the Mother that Nicholas can always look up to.

Sure, there will be struggles, but it will all be worth it in the end. You have each other.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Do You Recognize Yourself In These 6 Stages of Change? =-.

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:46 am

Thank you Karen for yoru kind words and I am amazed how many people could resonate with this post even though you don’t have kids.

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Phil - Less Ordinary Living May 5, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Lana –

The strength of your love, passion and devotion to Nicholas shines through. You really have a way of explaining emotions in a powerful fashion. Thanks for sharing and relating this to the clarity he has given you.

Phil
.-= Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..15 Secrets to Thriving in the 21st Century Workplace –Part 1 =-.

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:46 am

Thank you Phil!

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Tisha May 6, 2010 at 2:21 am

Hi Lana,

What a beautiful post! Indeed, there were many areas in my life that I was SO not clear on until I had kids. I like that you talk about the various stages a new parent goes through, pain, fear, love, before getting to that place of clarity in knowing that we must find a balance in creating peace and happiness within ourselves in order to instill a true appreciation for those same gifts in our children.
Thanks for this very touching reminder!

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:47 am

That is so true Tisha, we have to instill that peace and happeness in oursleves first before we can give it to our kids. Thank you for your touching comment!

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Beat Schindler May 10, 2010 at 9:39 am

Having been away for a while, I rediscover your blog and enterprises … fab photo of you with your son! Your new blog is first-class. Best wishes to your latest/new multi-media own product. Congrats, hats off … how do you do it all? I know, your son is helping you with html, php etc. 🙂

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:48 am

Beat, great to see you again:) Thank you. Yes, he does help me a lot, not with html yet, but with lots of other stuff.

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Jenn May 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Lana, I adored this post. What I loved was how you linked Motherhood and Clarity. I cannot explain here, but this is so beautiful and pure and I love it! So much resonates with me in a spiritual way.. I love the beauty of the unique *gift of a child, and how certain themes come with each of us to be for one another. This is so essential, our helping roles like safe passages for one another!
My favorite part was this: When I get too high he is the only one who can bring me down in an instant. He says: “Mama, breathe. Deeply.” I adore this,..
this is how I want to view Motherhood when that time comes..
luv Jenn

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Lana May 13, 2010 at 9:50 am

Jenn, thank you so much for your kind comment and I can so see an amazing mother in you. Love to you!

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