This is a totally inappropriate post for the week of prelaunching my product. Don’t I need to do some convincing of why you need clarity and why you need to buy my stuff to help you with that? Oh, screw it, I go with the inspiration as always. You do need clarity though, so check out the preorder page.
On December 22 of 2006 my life turned around. My baby was born.
I don’t write on this blog about my son often. This is something I decided to keep private, and I never could really relate motherhood to clarity.
But today is different. Today I can relate it. Plus my soul wants to write about my baby, so I will. I know a lot of you will resonate. Those who won’t (if you don’t have kids), it will give you a glimpse of what you are getting into if you ever decide to have one…or two…or more.
Nicholas. We didn’t have a name chosen when we went to the hospital. We had a list of 5 names to choose from. Kyle. Ryan. Alexander. Daniel. Nicholas was the last choice.
My mom liked it. I never really did that much. He came and it was clear. His name is Nicholas. Victorious. This name is a most pleasant sound to my ear now.
He was born at 4.46 am. I am not into astrology and horoscopes much, but I do believe in it somewhat. The labor started on December 20th. That’s Sagittarius. My sign. Fire. Aiming at the stars. High flights. Passion.
I was sure he would be Sagittarius too and was kind of excited about that. The labor was 28 hours. He was 4 hours 46 minutes late to be Sagittarius and entered Capricorn on December 22.
Am I happy he did that! He has all what I have – fire, passion, but it is different. His fire makes you hot, lights you up but doesn’t burn you.
He is the only person in my life who can keep my fire burning steady without flaming everything around. He is Earth. He grounds and balances me. When I get too high he is the only one who can bring me down in an instant. He says: “Mama, breathe. Deeply.”
And it’s not what he says, which is pretty amazing in itself for a 3 y.o., but How he says it. There is calm confidence in his voice. Calm knowing – that is what the best to be done is. And I listen. I am back to Earth. Still lit and high but grounded.
I remember the anticipation of joy and happiness I had when waiting for him to be born. There was no joy or happiness. Pain. No, not physical pain. Physical pain of labor is forgotten 2 minutes after the birth (funny how our minds and bodies work).
But pain in your heart. Checking every 15 minutes – is he breathing? Why is he crying? I don’t understand and even when I do I often can’t help. That hurts.
Responsibility. Choices. Who knew there were so many choices you have to make!
Vaccinations? Should you? Shouldn’t you? The risks are “unknown”, but if you read the internet you’ll know. Enough to be afraid. The benefits are…well, you know the benefits. Pretty unknown too if you read the internet again.
And you choose. And then you choose again. And again. And then you doubt and second guess. And explain to everyone around why you made this particular choice. (We do vaccinate but on a special schedule.)
C word. Hate it. I apparently live in the only country in the world that performs one of the most unnecessary and painful procedures to boys without any medical or religious reasons for that. Circumcision.
My baby was just born, going through the most difficult and painful experience of his life – labor. You want to do what to him now? You want to put another pain into his subconscious?
I couldn’t let them do it. But what about society? What about the fact that up to 80% of boys where we live still go through this procedure and those boys are going to be his classmates. I still wake up at night thinking if that was the right decision. And pray to God, if I ever have more kids – girl, please.
And then it comes down to the most important “entity” that has the biggest impact on your baby and that you have total control of but at times seems like you have no control of at all – You. How do you make sure that you are the best you can be? You can’t. You’ll never be perfect. But you learn to roll with it.
Guilt. I could have done that and I could have done this better.
And fear. Constant fear. You can diminish it. You can learn to become more trusting and hope that the Universe/God/World will take care of your baby when you are not there to take care of him. But you’ll never trust 100%. That fear will always stay. Somewhere deep inside. But it is there. It won’t let you go.
And you’ll never look at any accident or child abduction on the news the same again. You might look calm on the outside, but inside your heart will be screaming in pain.
Love. Not much to say here. Love is Love. He is Love. He is the proof that miracles exist.
I won’t tell you that it was all worth it. That sounds too cheesy. It goes without saying.
Back to clarity now.
How did my son help me with clarity?
I wrote before many times that the question “why” is the most important question of all. “What” is important only if it is backed up by strong “why“.
Nicholas is my reason “why” to so many things.
He is the core reason I decided to divorce his dad. Yes, there were many other reasons. But at the core of it was desire for Nicholas to see an example of relationships where there is deep connection and love between two people so he doesn’t ever settle for anything less than that. I hope I’ll be able to show him that example.
And he is the core reason I didn’t give up on my business when things were not progressing and I felt like saying: “Screw it, I’ll go get a job”. Behind my desire for freedom and meaning there is desire to be able to look my son in the eyes when he grows up and say: “You can do it, you truly can create your life the way you choose to”
I can give up on my own freedom and meaning. I’ll never give up on his. And the only way for me to give it to him is to get it myself first.
Thank you for coming into my life, my baby. I love you.